Undated Notes Written Some Time Either on 11th or 12th July, 1838

Note One

I was busy packing for the voyage home this morning and looked up to discover young Johnny standing in the room.

With no ship travelling from Van Dieman's Land to Adelaide, he travelled, with all the boundless optimism of the young, to Launceston, where he managed to work a passage to Port Phillip Bay on a trading ketch bound for Sydney, then sailed on a fishing boat from Port Phillip to Glenelg. 

What a delightful surprise! 

I told him how much I appreciated the effort to which he had gone and he said, "I couldn't let you head off for London without seeing your ugly old face one more time." The cheeky monkey!

It seems that the surveying job in Hobart did not come to fruition for the nonce, but something might come of it in a year or two,

Good for him!

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Note Two

There is an allegedly hilarious lampoon doing the rounds of the town at present. 

It purports to be a Mother Goose tale and in it, with a wave of a wand I am transformed from a Governor to a Sea Captain; Milner Stephen is transformed from an Advocate General to a Postmaster General to a Governor; Strangways is released from the enchanted Castle of the Colonial Secretary's Office; and Stevenson is changed into "Giant Despair".

Margaret Stevenson is completely scathing about the thing. It is, she says "exactly the sort of ham-fisted, lifelessly unfunny production that the untalented think will raise the roof."

So it will almost certainly appear in Fisher's pet newspaper this week. I suggested to Mrs Stevenson that a proper ending for the thing might have been a scene where a Princess kissed a toad, whereupon it turned into Mr Fisher, leaving the Princess lamenting that she was better off with the slimy amphibian.

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Note Three

Mr Morphett is currently offering ten pounds reward for the recovery of the chain and anchor of the Brig Dart, currently lying, though not securely, in Holdfast Bay.

Who but Morphett would be sufficiently fat headed as to lose the anchor of a ship while it was actually anchored in the Harbour?

Fix this teanged into "Giant Despair".

Tuesday, 10th July, 1838

There were extraordinarily distressing scenes at home tonight that have left me quite disturbed.

We were sitting eating what Widow Harvey assured us was Supper when Mary suddenly put down her knife and fork and spoke:

"Father, I must speak with you frankly."

Thinking she was about to comment on the food, I gestured for her to continue.

"Pappa, as you know, I have been taking watercolour lessons from Mr Milner Stephen  of late."

I nodded. I did not really approve of Mr Milner Stephen and I think I have made that quite clear within the family. En famille Milner Stephen is de trop.

Mary continued.

"Pappa, Mr Milner Stephen and I have been seeing rather a lot of each other and..... we have an understanding."

The food I was eating turned to ash in my mouth. Though considering how burnt it was to start with, this was probably not as dramatic as it sounds.

"An understanding?" I managed to choke out. And then Mary dealt the fatal blow.

"We intend to be married." 

I quietly place my cutlery upon the table and said, with all the dignity I could muster: "It would be my preference that Mr Milner Stephen did not become a member of this family."

Mary stood, struck a pose and, with all the melodrama of Mr Shepherd's drama, cried out, "But I love him father! You cannot keep us apart!"

Of course, there she was completely wrong. She was underage and consequently, without my permission, she was in the lurch.

I spoke again, calmly and reasonably. "Mr Milner Stephen is a mountebank, a charlatan and a fraud. His chief ability is to eat me out of house and home and he cheats at cards! I would not give him house room except that once he is through the door there is no getting rid of him! And his faith healing nonsense is the belief of a simpleton. Only the other day he offered to lay on his hands to help the vision in my bad eye!"

"You don't know!" Mary said. "He might have helped you!"

"It's a glass eye!" I said, which seemed to annoy her. "You will not marry him," I said.

"You forget, Father. I am over nineteen. In a year and a half I shall be twenty-one and there will be nothing you can do to stop me behaving exactly as I like!"

"I forbid this family from having further dealings with Mr Milner Stephen!"

Mary swept to the door, then turned dramatically. "Then you had best speak with Mamma and forbid her dealings with him as well!"

And with that she was gone. I turned to Mrs Hindmarsh. What, exactly, did Mary mean by "her dealings" with Milner Stephen?

"Oh now John.... " began Mrs Hindmarsh.

"Oh-now-John me no Oh-now-Johns Madam! To what is Mary referring when she speaks of your dealings with Milner Stephen?"

She sat quietly for a moment and then spoke. "Mr Milner Stephen is assisting and advising me with the arrangements for the selling of our land here in the Colony." I began to speak, but she held up a hand. "And before you say anything, remember what you have told me in the past. You have said that the man is as cunning as a rat and so I thought that he would be exactly the one to ensure that we received the greatest profits from our dealings. And besides: with the ridiculous state of the property laws it is useful to have a man about the place to sign the cheques and deal with the bank. Those are my dealings with Milner Stephen. Forbid them if you want to."

My first thought was "My ducats and my daughter!",  but after another moment I saw the justice of what she said. 

"Well then..... No harm done. All well and good," I said. "But what shall we do about Mary?"

Mrs Hindmarsh pulled a face.

"Oh, Mary!" She smiled. "There is not a problem in the world there. You know as well as I that she can not wait a half an hour for something without losing interest or being distracted by some shiny bauble."

This was true. 

"What chance is there then of the girl waiting eighteen months for her beloved Milner Stephen?"

Once again, I acknowledged the truth of this.

"Three months," I said. "Three months before some boy captures her heart."

"Three weeks!" said Mrs Hindmarsh.  

We said no more, but I am still troubled.

I have no doubt that Mary will lose interest in him. But I have seen George Milner Stephen's limpet-like abilities at clinging "to a good thing". Mary might lose interest in him. But will he lose interest in her?

Monday, 9th July, 1838

Grand news for the Reverend C. B. Howard today as the title of "Dullest Thing in the Colony" is now indisputably his.

Most thought he had it in the bag after his two hour prophetic effusion farewelling me yesterday, but now, with the news that the Adelaide Theatre is to close, his only rival for the title is dispatched.

It was only a month or two ago that the Theatre held its glittering opening night and Bill Shephard spoke ecstatically to the audience, saying, "I find that the Theatre gives me something to live for!"

It seems that what he did not find was that the Theatre gave him something to live on.

When one is aware that the glittering throng on opening night were largely there, glittering, because of a deluge of complimentary tickets sent crashing onto the great and the good of the Province by the organisers and that on subsequent evenings, when people had to stump up hard cash, the crowd was decidedly unthrongful, one can begin to see where the thing capsized.

The costs of the land and building, fitting out the Theatre - in the French Fashion! - added to the costs of producing the theatrical performance could hardly be met by the meagre ticket sales that were forthcoming from the people of Adelaide. I have heard that even the profits over the bar selling beer and spirits to Old Soaks have themselves been soaked up by the Theatre, the biggest Old Soak of them all.

Such was the drain on Shepherd's finances that a second production was promised and advertised, but did not appear, due, I surmise, to a lack of the ready cash.

There are two schools of thought here (1) That the people of Adelaide are uncultured Philistines and hence would not part with the money to support a new theatrical venture. (2) That the people of Adelaide are cultured theatre lovers who valued good theatre too much to part with money to support a theatrical venture of the sort being offered by Shepherd. 

Either way, Bill Shepherd has discovered that the best way to deal with his innumerable creditors is to cut his losses and sell up.

I am by no means one to take pleasure in the misfortunes of others, but after the evening I spent in that Theatre I cannot help but feel a twinge of satisfaction. 

A Paper Found Between the Pages of Hindmarsh's DIary

Southern Australian (Adelaide, SA : 1838 - 1844), Saturday 7 July 1838, page 1

---

Valuable Freehold Property.

Mr ROBERT COCK has the honour to announce that he has received instructions to Sell by Private Contract

SECTION 251, FRANKLIN STREET,

SOUTH ADELAIDE,

(Near the intended Market) upon which is situated that most commodious and valuable Building, known as the

ADELAIDE TAVERN,

Now in the occupation of Mr. SHEPHARD, and in full business. The House is most substantially built, regardless of all expence, and is replete with every convenience necessary to carry on a first rate establishment; at the same time it is so admirably arranged that a person of small capital may make a

HANDSOME FORTUNE

By a partial occupation only. The general character of this House is sufficiently well known to render a lengthy description unnecessary, and the limits of an advertisement would not suffice to describe its numerous advantages; enough to say, that to those possessed of the talent and activity to carry on so flourishing a business and a little capital, it would be a certain fortune

IN A FEW YEARS.

The HOUSE is built of Stone, with handsome Stone Portico in front; and contains on the Ground Floor, a roomy and convenient Bar, and five capital Parlours and private rooms, besides, a Kitchen, 34 feet by 14, and large Cellar.

The Large Ball Boom

On the upper Story is too well known to need description. The excellent Public Dinners that have been held of late, afford ample testimony of the great value to the Hotel of so splendid and convenient a room. This room is 50 feet long by 18 feet wide, will dine 200 persons, and is now most profitably turned to account by being used for the

ADELAIDE THEATRE,

And affording accomodation for an audience consisting of400 persons.

A smaller Ball Room adjoins, and numerous Bed Rooms, with ample space over the Kitchen, for three or four rooms additional.

A quantity of material is upon the spot for the purpose of completing some of the unfinished portions, and the size may be increased to almost anv extent at the option of the owner.

In addition to the Tavern there is a double Stone Cottage on the acre, replete with convenience for small families; at present in the occupation of Messrs. Abbott and Lerwin.

A portion of the purchase-money may remain on security of the Property if required.

Sunday, 8th July, 1838

To Divine Service this morning where, true to his word, Charlie Howard preached a special effort to mark my leaving the Colony.

I asked for something "short and simple", but Charlie just couldn't help himself. He managed close to two dense and soporific hours on Hebrews 6:10-15

10 For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister. 11 And we desire that every one of you do shew the same diligence to the full assurance of hope unto the end: 12 That ye be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises. 13 For when God made promise to Abraham, because he could swear by no greater, he sware by himself, 14 Saying, Surely blessing I will bless thee, and multiplying I will multiply thee. 15 And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.

All very flattering, I am sure, but I would have preferred a quick "Well done, thou good and faithful servant"  and be out the door.

Saturday, 7th July, 1838

The question arises, "What to do with Widow Harvey?"

With my returning to England, my wife has decided that once she is settled into new accommodation, she will have in her employ a servant more in the category of "lady's companion" than "cook" and hence we must find a way to move Lucrezia Harvey on to pastures new.

My suggestion, that we put her in a bag, take her far enough away so that she will not be able to find her way back and dump her by the side of the road, has not been met with general acclaim, though it seems perfectly sound to me.

An advertisement appeared in this morning's "Gazette and Register"

A female servant capable of cooking, washing &c; liberal wages will be given to a competent person. Apply to Mr C. C. Dutton, Currie-street, Adelaide, next door to the Southern Cross Hotel.

 Mrs Hindmarsh sees this as manna from Heaven and I must admit that the stipulation that the successful applicant will be "capable of cooking" and not "an excellent cook" seems made for the Widow. And she is certainly capable of washing, at times even herself. However, I pointed out that the caveat "a competent person" might prove a stumbling block. If Charles Dutton took on the Widow, then the wages would need to be more than "liberal". "Compassionate and merciful" would be the ticket.

But I cannot help but think that there is an ethical dilemma here. Do we have the moral right to release Lucrezia Harvey, the Mad Poisoner and her Experimental Cuisine upon an unsuspecting and unprepared world? I suspect not and I suggested that it might be best if we kept her on after I leave as an act of Social Responsibility.

Mrs Hindmarsh's response to this left me aghast.

"You don't think I want her?" she said. "I only employed the women to keep your philandering ways under control! Once you've left I'll get someone who can cook properly, not endure more of her slop!"

I took the wisest course and made no comment.

Dutton, of course, is the type of man who would be pleased to impress his friends with the news that his table is being supplied by the "Vice-Regal Chef" and would, of a certainty, big note himself something chronic. It goes without saying that the one thing he could not do is invite those friends to share a meal at that table or the whole masquerade would be exposed.

All in all, I suspect that Lucrezia is headed off to Currie Street, but I shall stipulate that she cannot do so until after I leave. Once Dutton discovers the reality he may come looking for revenge and I have no intention of being here to see it.

The Widow herself was very teary when we broke the news and assured us that she would be forever grateful "for all the nicenesses and kindness" we have shown her and for "raising her to a place of standing and sophistication what she might not have otherwise attained" and Baby Harriet showed just how sophisticated by choosing that moment to break wind with such ferocity that the windows rattled and two of the dogs took the precaution of leaving the room before they could be blamed.

The baby's action brought forth a flood of giggling through the flood of tears from the Widow and she whooped out "OOO! Isn't she awful!"

"Yes," I said. "Yes she is." Which brought out more hilarity. 

"Oh Guvnah! Always one with a joke! I'll miss you all!" said the Widow and then burst out into even louder sobbing.

Mrs Hindmarsh embraced Widow Harvey in response to her effusions and assured her to "think nothing of it" and "it was no more than she deserved". For once I agreed with my wife. The Widow deserves nothing and no more.

Three Undated Entries from Hindmarsh's DIary

First Undated Note

Charlie Howard came to see me today to tell me what he clearly believes I will find exciting news.

In honour of my departure, Charlie intends to preach a special sermon on the Sunday before I sail and wanted to know what sermon I would like him to preach.

Now, the correct answer to the question "What would you like Charles Beaumont Howard to preach?" is "No sermon at all" and I was as near as damn it to telling him so, when Mrs Howard, realising my intent, gave me a look of such intensity that the varnish on the sideboard behind me began to blister and bubble. 

Instead, I asked for "no fuss to be made" and asked him to preach "something short and simple".

I hold out little hope.


Second Undated Note

Johnny writes from Hobart Town to tell us that he has a good chance of being appointed a surveyor in Van Diemen's Land.

I was unaware that Johnny had any interest or aptitude for surveying and has never shown skill or talent in that area. But then, it is generally agreed that Durward Kingston has no skill or talent in anything at all and he is currently Surveyor General. So it may be that having no aptitude is a prerequisite for the job.


Third Undated Note

There is a strong rumour that many of the colonists are working hard to prepare a spontaneous outpouring of respect and gratitude in the form of an address to be given to me by a deputation.

I suppose that I will need to spend time preparing a heartfelt, off the cuff response expressing my overwhelming surprise and thanks.